Halala Mama

“So, where does he go during the day?” Asked the Neurology Nurse Practitioner during the recent sixth month check up for Adam.

Now I’m not sure why every medical provider asks this. What do they expect me to say?

You know, I find that if I just put down enough Chex Mix and water, he kind of looks after himself all day.  But if I don’t put enough down then Hooo-eeeeyyy… there is hell to pay.

I might try that sometime, but for now I stick with the truth.

He goes to preschool.

Ohhh, she says.  Is he enrolled in some speech therapy there?

I was a little offended.  I didn’t mean to be, and how could she know different since last time we were there he rolled on the floor pretending to be a spider and this time he hid behind me and acted the part of a deaf mute….who was partially trained in only Russian lip reading.

Um, no.  Actually he talks a lot.  I get whole stories in the car.

Fast foward 48 hours to the morning trip to preschool today:

Mommy…mommy…. Did you know that Batman breaks down the doors?  He just breaks down the doors and comes in and messes everything up.  He says ::insert something completely unintelligible here due to the karate movements from the car seat::  and he says it to THE CHID-REN and then?  Batman?  Batman has to sit in the peace chair.

You mean Batman?  Like BATMAN does this?  See all this time, I thought it was YOU messing up my house.

No, I'm the Batman. I've come to mess your house, eat your food, and sit in your peace chair.

No, Mommy.  It’s Batman.

****

Dear NP @ Indiana Clinic,

Please, in the future, can we have all follow up appointments in my car?

Thanks.

My morning goes something like this:

Get up.  Get up. Please.  Get up.  Geeeetttt uppp.

Let’s go potty.  Come on!  Let’s go potty. potty. let’s go.  letsgopotty letsgooo potty.  Potty.  Potty.  Potty. RAWR RAWR GO POTTTY.

Come here.  Come here, please.  Please, come here. Come here.  Here.  Heeereee.  Please come here.  COME HERE AND PUT THESE PANTS ON BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND.

Then he looks at me and remarks, You see this train car mommy?  You found this over the fence.

*blink*blink*

Last April.  I found it over the fence last April, and because it is a cheap, plastic piece o’crap, it made it through the winter just fine.

So let me get this straight.  You can remember something I did EIGHT MONTHS AGO, but cannot remember what I told you to please for the love of God to do five seconds ago?

Put on your coat.  Give me your arm.  Here.  Put it here. In this hole.  INTHISHOLE like we do EVERY MORNING.  This is not a surprise. Put on your coat.Your coat.

Let’s go. Wait for mommy.  Okay.  Get in the car. Get in the car.  THE car. Get in it. Yes, our car. No not that car.  Get. in. the. damn. car.  Okay van. Yes it’s a van. GET IN IT NOW RAWR!

Get in your seat…your seat…

And now we know why I am no longer on time anywhere I go and why it sounds like there is a big mad mama dino in the complex now.

Do you know how many times I’ve said dammit in the past two weeks?

Adam won’t eat tonight’s fantabulous hamburger and cheese quesadilla?  Look at the tortilla package: “prepared on equipment that is shared with eggs.”  *expletive*

Take him to Steak and Shake, ask for and recieve the 100 million page allergen list.  Why woudn’t he eat the chili last time we were here?  It had anchovies in it.  *expletive*

Talking with a friend last week she mentioned that Venn Diagram of foods Adam could eat and the foods Adam would eat probably had a very small sliver of foods that fit in both.  Later that night I found this, and while it doesn’t really fix any one of our allergy problems over here, it did make me laugh.

Funny cause it’s true.