Five of my in laws are currently en route to our relatively small two bedroom apartment.
We move to an even smaller apartment in 19 days.
Here are my tips:
- Realize that you are a hoarder of cheaply made plastic goods.
- Make your peace with it.
- Throw all that shit away.
- Hone your skills at scooping miscellaneous plastic items into a black garbage bag while looking your three year old dead in the eye and saying, “No son, I’m packing this bag for when we move.” Take it to the dump anyway.
- Make the best of your mini van. Things inside go to Goodwill. Things for the dumpster go on top. Beverly Hillbilly style. Drive carefully to the dumpster and try not to turn bright red with shame when the young black teenage boy nearby asks “Is ALL that trash?” and then helps you get rid of it all. Thank him profusely even though he insists, “It ain’t no thang.” Really? Could you go explain to my husband that helping me would NOT have been such a big deal?
- Realize that even though you do own things of worth, they are not worthy enough for anyone to care to come get them via Craigslist. Take those things to Goodwill. Do not tell your husband who thinks everything is worth twice is much that is.
- Realize that your weed eater is worth money. Sell it via Craigslist to someone of questionable ethnicity (Egyptian? Algerian?) in a Burger King parking lot.
- Do not stop until you a.) run out of garbage bags, b.) run out of lies to tell your kid about why mommy seems to be destroying all of his belongings, c.) have argued with your husband about nothing important for twelve to twenty four hours, d.) collapse in a heap, e.) all of the above.
Enjoy a more clutter free life. In heaven. Because you have already died of exhaustion.