I’ve seen these high school programs where teens are responsible for a doll. The doll cries. It pees. I guess it poops and pukes too? Because if it doesn’t projectile vomit at the sight of fish, where is the reality in that?
My program is this:
1. Strap a 40 pound bag of rice to a student’s left side. Leave it there for three years. When they eat? It’s there, of course it won’t want any, but it’ll be there. When they pee? There. When they are trying to get some work done? Oh, it’s so there.
2. Strap a chatty Kathy doll to the top of it. Position it so that it talks directly into their eardrum and therefore their brains. Turn the volume way up: give it two settings…loud and OMG. Program it to say something wildly inappropriate in public every 30 seconds. Program it to say something cute and sweet every five days.
3. If possible, give it arms that fling wildly in all directions all the time. Even in sleep. Arm it with a vacuum attachment and program the doll to say “I comb your hair mama.”
4. Make it leak vile substances from every end.
5. Set its internal alarm at 2 A.M. and 4:46 A.M. Set its sleep function to activate 10 minutes after the car wheels start rolling.
While this works on horny teens, it also should work on women considering a vocation to a convent and potential sister wives. (Caution: for sister wives, you may need a double or triple dose to remind them that everyone is raising everyone’s kids there.)
Money back guaranteed.