The single best decision I made this Christmas season was to go to church, alone, on Christmas Eve at Fr. Bill’s church.
Mass is not enjoyable for me these days as I struggle to keep a toddler from either hitting someone with a stray toy or pulling the long, silky hair of whomever is sitting in front of us.
As I told Lorie, “I already sit in the very back row. If I sit any farther back, we’ll be outside in the grass, looking in through the windows.”
Last time I took him to Sunday mass, even with my mother there to help, he head butted me so hard that I thought my front teeth were going to fall out. As I gathered up my things, mom asked, “Oh are you going to the bathroom?”
Yeah. At HOME. And we left.
So when Ismael lollygagged around about going to church with me on Christmas Eve, I parked Adam in bed at his usual time, woke Ismael up and told him I was leaving and took off. The long drive gave me some time to actually think and enjoy some peace.
As usual, Father’s sermon was excellent. I really, really wish he was at a church that was more geographically friendly to my side of town, but alas, he is not. His sermon was about the love of Christ and the need that humanity has to open themselves up to that love if only for a moment in time. As I left, Father enveloped me in his big, warm bear hug asking, “What? No baby?” Take a 1 year old to 10 pm mass? Ahhh….no….Merry Christmas to me!
The following day, while drowning an excellent cut of beef in even better red wine in preparation for roasting, I reflected on the sermon. The hours I spent years ago with Father as my spiritual director came back and it wasn’t hard to imagine this possible conversation:
- Fr. Bill: Why not let the love of Christ in?
- Me: I dunno.
- Fr. Bill: What are you afraid of?
- Me: Everything.
- Fr. BIll: What happens if you never let it in?
- Me: Eternal damnation?
- Fr. Bill: ::heavy sigh::
I think this is why I’ve been so down in the dumps this holiday season. The magic that exists for me in Christmas is spiritual, not secular, though the gifts ARE nice. And this year, maybe it’s because of the stress of the autumn we have had, I just can’t find the usual magic. Anywhere. Even at a far away church with a kind priest and good sermon.
Hopefully next year will be better.
It WILL be better Janet if you allow it to be. SOOOOO many times this past year I have sit and cried over self-pity for myself and the situation we find ourself in but but almost every single time, God has put a reminder in front of me that He is STILL there watching out for us and protecting us. So no matter what you find yourself going through, YOU are taken care of, even when it feels like you are not. I love you girl and even though we don’t “see” each other that often, please know that our door is always open for you and I’m here if you need anything!!