I am a good mother.
Wow, why is that so hard to write? Why is it so hard to give ourselves praise? Does it sound pompous? Arrogant?
It’s easier to joke about being a “bad mom.”
I’ve been teaching for thirteen years and almost all of my friends have had babies before I did. I have seen moments of excellent parenting and I have witnessed some really, really bad parenting.
I think that is why I am so sensitive about the idea that it’s okay to be a “bad mom.”
Bad moms show up at school functions intoxicated.
Bad moms belittle their children.
Bad moms are guilty of neglect.
Bad moms are absent in the lives of their children.
Why would you want to call yourself a bad mother?
I want to be a good mother. I set standards for myself as to how I define good parenting. Your standards may be different and that’s fine. Ultimately no one is in place to judge my parenting other than myself, my son, and my husband.
I do what is in my power to keep him safe and secure understanding that I cannot control every externality.
I spend at least part of my day one on one with my son, where I put everything aside and play only with him.
When I feed him, I make that a special time for the two of us.
He has a set routine every day and I try to plan my day so that he gets his naps and goes to bed in his own bed on time every night. Occasionally we stay out past his bed time, but it is really very rare.
There are things I wish I could do.
I would love to make all of his food from organically grown vegetables because I believe that is what is best for him. It’s just not practical.
I would love for us both to arrive somewhere as clean as when we left the house. It’s just not possible.
I wish I could buy him some big new toys. It’s just not in our budget. And frankly, he really does not need them.
Instead, I compromise and do what I can. I make some of his food myself and fill in with commercial food and refuse to feel bad about it. And the spit up and the food messes, well I just have to remind myself that this is what babies do. Right now, I am remembering I have chicken noodle dinner on my skirt – because he was happily grabbing it while I was attempting to get him fed at a friend’s house. He doesn’t care if my skirt is stained; he was happy mommy was there.
Being a good mother does not mean that I have to sacrifice myself for my child.
When Adam was about three weeks old, I realized I hadn’t eaten all day as his fiftieth little nap of the day was ending. He woke up crying while I was making a lovely lunch of canned soup. He was safe; he was just unhappy. I had to let him cry for the three minutes it took to inhale that soup while standing in the kitchen. I felt guilty at the time but realized that I had to also take care of myself. Otherwise, I would not be able to offer him the best quality of care.
Being a good mother does not mean that I must wrap my sense of self up in the success of my child. He is an individual who will make his own choices. It will be my job to parent him and guide him – not do his work for him. Some tasks in his life might be really hard for him and tempting for me to do myself, but if I do, what do I teach him?
This topic is something I have thought about since the inception of this blog. I am curious for your answers to the following questions.
- Why is it difficult to state, “I am a good mom”?
- What makes a bad mother?
- What makes a good mother?
…
For some reason I haven’t struggled with saying I’m a good mom; but I guess I don’t say it to other people, I just think it. I am a good mom and am proud of what I’ve accomplished. It always felt instinctive to me to be a good mother; not that I’ve been perfect. Partly that is because I had an amazing mother myself so I learned the kind of mother I wanted to be.
I think a bad mother is someone who isn’t willing to make any of the sacrifices necessary to be a mother. What you said about not giving up a sense of yourself is VERY important. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about someone whose life just doesn’t change at all, or they try not to let it, once they’ve had a child. They always put themselves first. You just can’t. It is natural to have to give up some personal freedom. I also think a bad mother does not give physical or emotional affection. They also can expose their children to things for which the children are not developmentally prepared to handle (like taking them to movies that have violence). They assume the child won’t notice it. I’ve seen mothers bring infants in pumpkin seats to loud, violent movies and it makes me so angry. Just the noise from the speakers in theaters alone is damaging. I think bad mothers don’t trust their children to make good choices, they always assume the worst about their children, and they speak to their children in a nasty way, with disdain.
Good mothers are the opposite of the above I guess. They do recognize that they have to be unselfish, they provide an overabundance of physical and emotional affection. They protect their child’s sensibilities so the child doesn’t become desensitized. Being a primary teacher, I also placed great importance on reading aloud to them voraciously, having lots of reading material in the home, making visits to the library, and making sure my children saw me engaged in reading. It blows me away now when I see parents of young children who just don’t read aloud. They say their kids don’t want to listen; that’s likely because they didn’t make it a habit in the home at a very early age. They also provide as much in the way of background experiences as possible (zoos, museums, etc., etc., etc.)
You are definitely a good mother. I’ve been thinking that often since I’ve started reading your blog. It doesn’t mean that you will always like them either..lol..so when that comes, if it hasn’t yet, don’t feel guilty about it. You love them so deeply you can’t express it, yet there will be times you won’t like them very much.
Beautifully said…I just found the site today and your beautiful words touched me. It is hard to say “I’m a good mother”. The minute the words are out of my mouth I think of yesterday when I lost patience with my little boy, or the day before when he was putting his hand over my mouth and I snapped at him…he got teary eyed and said “Mama kiss.” I immediately grabbed his arm and gave him tons of kisses, but it didn’t erase the guilt. I wish I knew what made a good mother…I just try every day to love him the best that I can. It seems to be enough for him.
And, forgot to mention that your little man is quite a cutie!
PHew…a heavy topic. I am known to talk about my bad mothering because of my own horrible insecurities. Because as a teacher, I know too much…I’ve seen too much. I try so desperately not to be those parents I want to hit at parent/teacher conferences because they’re being so horrible to their child, yet sometimes now that Builder Boy is older, I identify with aspects of it. I guess it’s not that I feel I am a bad mom, but every night instead of celebrating those things that went well, I berate myself for how I could have done better. I suffer from severe mom guilt! This is a wonderful post and something that should be discussed far more often!